This was supposed to be a year filled with possibilities and good will. I had my heart set on so many wonderful things for 2008, but so far it has started in the worst possible way. While my new years eve night was good, a wonderful time with my sister brother in law and my mama...my bf was out sick he just got his tonsil's taken out you see. So I was very sad that he would not be there with me, but I text him a ton through out the night so that he would know I was thinking of him. And in true gen x style we sent pic text blowing each other kisses when the clock struck 12. So it seemed that it was all going according to plan. While he and I have had our ups and downs, and we have a 6 year age difference, where I am the elder in the relationship, we have managed to keep our love burning for a year. Not a very long time, but these days, I think it's an accomplishment. So what I found out new years day was heartbreaking to say the least. I have a son, the absolute apple of my eye. I would go to the moon and back for my child!!! He is with his daddy right now so I haven't seen him since Xmas day. But we talk as often as possible. This morning when I spoke with him, we had our normal conversation and everything was fine. Once our talk was over he handed he phone to his daddy at which point he informed me that our son had said that there was a couple of times that he was frightened by my bf. There were a couple of times apparently when he rose his voice to him and grabbed him by the arm when he was not minding him. And when I was not around or in the same room. I was completely stunned! My first thought was, why hadn't he ever confided in me about this, my second thought was why didn't i know about this, and my final thought was how do i deal with this? As a mother my son is first, end of discussion. no one will ever be put before him in my eyes. Especially as a child who cannot protect himself and is so willing to trust in others. As a gf to my bf I felt like i had an obligation to hear him out, and his explanation. I love him, and there are so many wonderful things about him that make me happy. however i do think that his age plays a big part in his maturity and how he handles my son. As a mom i know that there are times when i have to just walk away and count to ten because life, in general can be very frustrating. So for someone who doesn't have much experience with children, has to deal with his gf child, I'm sure it can be very frustrating at times. But i never thought that he would push it to the point where my child would be frightened by him. I'm right smack dab in the middle of this crap and I'm sure this whole blog is just a huge rambling of nothing that makes no sense, but i just needed an escape for everything going on in my head and in my heart.
maybe deep down I've always known that this relationship would be too much for my bf, but he would always tell me he could handle it. that while it would take time to adjust to having a kid around it would be totally possible. maybe its not possible. maybe he is not at a point in his life where he can deal with it. i would never for a moment assume that he would intentionally hurt my son, but i do think that since his experience with children is so limited he doesn't know how to take it. he is an only child and has been given everything. he has worked for much of what he has, but has been spoiled as well. sharing my time with my son and him is frustrating to him i know, and when it gets to that point it feels like i have two kids and not a bf and a son. so maybe that's my answer right there, maybe i just don't want to give him up because i love him, even though i need to. it's too much, sometimes life is just too much. Everything is all jumbled up in my head and I just want it to be OK again. I want a happy life, that's all I've ever wanted. I want to love and be loved, i want my son to be loved. I want an environment that is good for everyone. I want a solution that makes everyone happy, and as far as i can tell, that solution does not exist.
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