Truth

I'm not really sure why I always feel like my emotions are every where at once. People who know me expect a certain character when they are around me. They expect laughter and smiles, jokes and entertainment, and if I deliver any less then I feel like I've let them down. Or more importantly then they will know there is something wrong. Because with acknowledgment of an issue comes questions. What's wrong? Can we help? Tell me all about it....the truth is I hide my problems and worries from everyone on purpose. Not because I am ashamed that I have breakdowns emotionally every now and again or that I get stressed out over life and all the things that includes, but because I always feel this dark cloud of failure circling around me like a tornado just waiting to strike. The minute someone finds out that I am not as in control as I appear to be, that tornado will whirl with winds strong enough to break down all of the walls and barriers it has taken my whole life to build. The moment I let people know I need their shoulders to cry on, they know that I need them around I can no longer control my dependency on them. I lose the control and leave myself open for loss. I can't take anymore loss. No one sees me as a person who has their whole life in control, I know that, but I also know they see me as someone with a bright attitude towards life. Someone who can smile when things are down and look at the half full glass...but for the most part I do that all for show. I do that to encourage the people around me when I sense they are feeling down. I do that so that no one else that I care about will loose their drive or will to do what they should do. What kind of failure would I be if they knew that at the end of the day I sit, disappointed in myself and the choices I have made? That I wish so often that I could BE somone courageous and not just pretend I am. How would I show my face if all the people I love and care about knew I was a fraud, a fake?
I don't want anyone else to see what I see when I look in the mirror. Its true what Gwen Stefani said "The magic's in the makeup" When my makeup comes off, I often don't like what I see.