Every time I think I am on top of something. That I am making headway in my life, and then something knocks me back down.
Being who I am, acting the way I do has always suited me. I've never had anyone complain about my actions when interacting with people, but apparently my behavior leaves something to be desired.
Am i friendly? Yes, I'd say I am without a doubt friendly. Am I touchy feely? Yes, I am. Do I believe it is the kind of touchy feely that is inappropriate? Up until this point, No I didn't. But apparently I was wrong.
Inappropriate behavior, is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone will have different standards as to what is okay and what is not. But what happens when your "inappropriate" behavior is brought to your attention and genuinely hurts you? Insults you to the very core. How do you deal with such a revalation, without losing your cool? Anyone who knows me knows not losing my cool is not one of my strongest qualities. But with this relationship, with this new found love, I have been striving to be all I possibly can be. So when such a fault is brought to my attention, it's devastating to say the least.
When someone puts you on a pedestal, and then that same person kicks you off of it, well it's a longer fall than normal. The landing is much more painful.
What does a person do in this situation? Do you just compromise without question, and change how you treat people, even though it will raise questions with friends & family, men and women alike? Do you tell the person your are completely in love with, that this is who you are, and if they want to be with you, they will have to deal with it? Or worst of all, do you part ways? Take it as a lesson learned and move on.
Incredible to think that only a few hours I was floating on a cloud high in the sky, stars in my hand, birds singing sweetly...the whole 9 yards. And now I just feel worthless. Is this what I am? Someone with disregard of an others feelings?
Whether it was said with the best on intentions or not. Something like this is never an easy topic to discuss. Should it be addressed now rather than later? Of course. Should a relationship be assessed from every angle before any more serious steps are taken? A resounding yes would be my answer. That doesn't stop it from hurting, however. It doesn't stop it from feeling like it's always me that has the short comings in this relationship. Like every disagreement has my name written all over it.
I need time. Problem with that is I will either resolve it, or forget about it. If I choose the latter of the two then it will assuredly come back with a vengeance and bite me in the ass.
Why is everything worth having, filled with this much pain and uncertainty? It just seems cruel.
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