Even when I don't like myself

I will be the first to admit that I can be a terrible terrible hag to be around some days. And lately with so much stress clouding my brain, it seems I have become much much worse. So on most days I can barely stand to me near me....How sweet it is that he would want to spend all is spare time with grumpy old me. It really does amaze me....I keep thinking he will say, when you are in a better mood and not such a crabby pants call me, but until then you are on your own. But he hasn't not one time. In fact it's usually the opposite. The crabbier I am the closer he wants to be, because he wants to be part of what makes me feel better, who knew sweetness like that could still exist?

He's too young

I can feel it. But he won't see it the way I do. There is so much he has yet to do. But he doesn't see things the way that I do. He accuses me of being snotty, sitting on my high horse. That's not how I intend on behaving. The fact is I HAVE experienced more than he has. I am older...and while not as wise as I wish...wiser just the same.
He'll wake up one day, and realize that this was not what he wanted. That he has bitten off too much, more than he could ever chew. Then what??? What becomes of all we've built and worked so hard to be?
He'll leave and I'll be alone without my best friend, without my companion.
Better to just cut ties now??? While hearts are still in tact? I wish I knew...but I do know, He is too young!

Leaving...

He's moving away. And though there has been nothing there for quite some time, the news of him going was, mind blowing. Off the the city of angels to further his dream. Leaving behind off spring and all. Shocking, when someone picks money over family. Still I can't help but feel a bit sad. 23 years of knowing someone is a mighty long time. 23 years of ideas and thoughts...thoughts that began as what could be, turned into what is, and ended in what might have been. The end of an era, and the end of chances. Doors close everyday, but when one is sealed shut by time and space, the noise of the slam seems to echo in your head for ever.
Still I wish him well...he's off to find whatever it is that he's been searching for these many years, perhaps the angels will help him find it.

Wwwwwhhhhaat??

I wanted to add a new entry for today...I was hoping to write something opinionated or funny or passionate...but low and behold....I've got nothing. There's nothing really ticking me off, other than the death of Heath Ledger. Which honestly only frustrates me because he left his precious daughter in this world without a father. Is it possible that I am all out of words??????
There's nothing eating away at me.....nothing I've been left to ponder?!?!

It is an enigma!

One thought

My life is no longer my own, my dreams no longer belong to me. The choices I make are not just for me but for those who depend on me. That's a hard reality to face...and a responsibility that feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.
My life is no longer my own...
My dreams are not my own...
I have to put all I am, all I have into another, so that he may have all the chances I did not. Place his needs and wants above my own...
My life is no longer my own...

I've misplaced my brain...may I borrow yours?

I'M ALL OVER THE PLACE LATELY.....DECISIONS I CAN'T MAKE THEM, ARGUMENTS I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THEM, WORK I'D RATHER NOT SHOW UP FOR...AAAAHHHH!

MY THOUGHTS ARE SCATTERED BECAUSE EVERYTHING SEEMS TO HAPPEN AT ONCE. I CAN'T FULLY PROVIDE MY ATTENTION TO JUST ONE THING AT A TIME. BLASTED MULTI-TASKERS!

I AM TRYING TO BE PATIENT, WITH MYSELF AND THOSE AROUND ME. AFTER ALL I KNOW THAT EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN TRIALS TO DEAL WITH. BUT PATIENCE IS NOT ONE OF MY STRONG SUITS. I WOULD RATHER HIDE AWAY IN A QUIET PLACE UNTIL THE STORM PASSES, ALTHOUGH IF I DID THAT I FEAR I WOULD MISS MORE THAN JUST THE STORM.

I GUESS I JUST NEED THE COURAGE TO KNOW THAT I AM CAPABLE OF MORE THAN I LIKE TO LET ON...

An old friend...

I received an email from an old friend, a wise friend. He threw a few questions out and urged me to answer them....It's come to my attention that I keep a serious wall up around myself and it seems that I have been like this through all my relationships not just current one.
I will directly quote from his email:

"Does he treat you good? (and I dont mean take you places and spend money on you)
Does he treat your son good? (and again I dont mean by buying him things)
Does he talk to you? (and I dont mean about the weather)
Does he have the values and ethics that you would like to see in your son when he grows up? (if you cant say yes to this, then none of the other ones matter)
oh and Does your mom like him, because I know she has excellent taste... I should know."

So this raises a lot of questions in my mind. Reason being....I don't know if I can answer yes to all of the questions. I mean I don't think I would flat out answer no, but I don't know if I could answer yes either....Isn't that bad?? That I DON'T KNOW??????!!!!

HE'S 7!!!!

Yesterday was my little one's 7th birthday! And I can't help but feel nostalgic. It feels like just yesterday that he was a tiny 7lb baby in my arms. So small, with wide eyes and Rosy cheeks. There was no way of knowing back then how quickly time would pass, and what an extraordinary young man he would become. Well I admit I always knew he'd be a keeper ;) but he has far exceeded, even at 7, all of my expectations. I couldn't hope for anything more. Every time he makes me smile or laugh, or jumps and dances around the house, or tells me one of his made up knock knock jokes, I am reminded how wonderful life can be. With all of the bad surrounding us each and every day, it is a treasure to be touched by pure good. I am so thankful for just the opportunity to know him, but the fact that I was chosen to be his mother...now there is something to be grateful for!

This too will pass...

Clever clever how life works. When you feel stressed, it adds a bit more, to the point where you think you might scream, and then something happens and all is better. My sweet boy finally came home, and one look into his precious face made all my stress go away. Even if it was just for that moment. What power he has, hopefully he never figures that out. :)

I know that my life is blessed when I see him. It's not like I needed more evidence of it, I have a great family, and food to eat every night and a roof over my head beautiful things all around me. But when I see him, everything else pales in comparison. He makes my hard times better, what a treasure!

Maybe I'm just too dramatic...

Is it weird that very very small things bother me to the point that I can't get over it?? It's like I build things up in my head and let them get so big that before I know it, it's this huge deal. Add that in with my hot head temper that I can have, and it's just a mixture for disaster. I consider myself a decent enough person, I just wish that I could handle things better sometimes. Everything that I am passionate about, well it seems to consume me. So if something goes wrong, or not to my liking I see red. Red is NOT my favorite color!

Just another day

I'm on an emotional hangover from last night. All the feelings I was wrapped up in haven't yet left my system and I am in serious need of an emotional detox. If only that were possible. It's like I feel lost, angry, sad, lonely, frustrated...all of these things wrapped up in one miserable little package. Hello can I introduce you to Ms. Debbie Downer of 2008.
Is it possible to be in love with someone and it is wrong? You are not supposed to be with that person or love them, but you can't let it go. Whether it be because you don't want to be lonely or you feel a genuine love for them. That's how I feel. Like I know I should just let this all go, but I can't. Something in me doesn't want to go back to what life was like before, when I was alone. I tell you it just sucks. My head hurts, my heart hurts.

What a way to start off the new year

This was supposed to be a year filled with possibilities and good will. I had my heart set on so many wonderful things for 2008, but so far it has started in the worst possible way. While my new years eve night was good, a wonderful time with my sister brother in law and my mama...my bf was out sick he just got his tonsil's taken out you see. So I was very sad that he would not be there with me, but I text him a ton through out the night so that he would know I was thinking of him. And in true gen x style we sent pic text blowing each other kisses when the clock struck 12. So it seemed that it was all going according to plan. While he and I have had our ups and downs, and we have a 6 year age difference, where I am the elder in the relationship, we have managed to keep our love burning for a year. Not a very long time, but these days, I think it's an accomplishment. So what I found out new years day was heartbreaking to say the least. I have a son, the absolute apple of my eye. I would go to the moon and back for my child!!! He is with his daddy right now so I haven't seen him since Xmas day. But we talk as often as possible. This morning when I spoke with him, we had our normal conversation and everything was fine. Once our talk was over he handed he phone to his daddy at which point he informed me that our son had said that there was a couple of times that he was frightened by my bf. There were a couple of times apparently when he rose his voice to him and grabbed him by the arm when he was not minding him. And when I was not around or in the same room. I was completely stunned! My first thought was, why hadn't he ever confided in me about this, my second thought was why didn't i know about this, and my final thought was how do i deal with this? As a mother my son is first, end of discussion. no one will ever be put before him in my eyes. Especially as a child who cannot protect himself and is so willing to trust in others. As a gf to my bf I felt like i had an obligation to hear him out, and his explanation. I love him, and there are so many wonderful things about him that make me happy. however i do think that his age plays a big part in his maturity and how he handles my son. As a mom i know that there are times when i have to just walk away and count to ten because life, in general can be very frustrating. So for someone who doesn't have much experience with children, has to deal with his gf child, I'm sure it can be very frustrating at times. But i never thought that he would push it to the point where my child would be frightened by him. I'm right smack dab in the middle of this crap and I'm sure this whole blog is just a huge rambling of nothing that makes no sense, but i just needed an escape for everything going on in my head and in my heart.
maybe deep down I've always known that this relationship would be too much for my bf, but he would always tell me he could handle it. that while it would take time to adjust to having a kid around it would be totally possible. maybe its not possible. maybe he is not at a point in his life where he can deal with it. i would never for a moment assume that he would intentionally hurt my son, but i do think that since his experience with children is so limited he doesn't know how to take it. he is an only child and has been given everything. he has worked for much of what he has, but has been spoiled as well. sharing my time with my son and him is frustrating to him i know, and when it gets to that point it feels like i have two kids and not a bf and a son. so maybe that's my answer right there, maybe i just don't want to give him up because i love him, even though i need to. it's too much, sometimes life is just too much. Everything is all jumbled up in my head and I just want it to be OK again. I want a happy life, that's all I've ever wanted. I want to love and be loved, i want my son to be loved. I want an environment that is good for everyone. I want a solution that makes everyone happy, and as far as i can tell, that solution does not exist.