Never ending swirls of uncertainty

What will become of life should certain circumstances arise? Everyday, as individuals, we learn new things. About life, about the people we love, about the ones we don't. Each day we are constantly opening our eyes to new things. Some things make us feel strong, help us to grow as people. While other realizations break us down, cloud our minds, fill us with fear. How an individual chooses to overcome hurdles in their lives, is part of what defines them. It shows their character and how they can be trusted when worst comes to worst.

How I handle situations, what does that say about me? That I am not a person who will sacrifice what ever is necessary for someone else? That I don't want to put all my faith in one human being for fear of being let down, or just left. How can I ever really be happy, if I can't just live by faith, and trust? What kind of person does that make me? How unfair is it to ask the person I love to put up with "me", in all my glory?

I want to live out my full potential, as a person, a partner.

Have you ever just felt...

Like you would rather be anywhere else than where you are right at the moment? Maybe I wouldn't feel that way if I like what I did on a daily basis more. Trust me once 5pm comes I am happy go luck....and at 5:30 when that music starts I am smiling from ear to ear. The opportunities that I have to see my son, my love, my family & friends I am loving every moment. But from 8-5 M-F....well not so much.

So is adult life. I have responsibilities, and I am old enough to know how the world works, but am I the only one who feels this way? Will I always feel this way? Honestly I can't imagine going through my entire life feeling like this. I don't want to be a robot...I want to be someone who really helps people...I have the desire for it, just not the degree. That'll teach me.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...and I'm feeling good

Funny how life changes in the blink of an eye. We all find ourselves on a 24hr a day emotional roller coaster. Each one of us can choose to let in as much or as little emotion as we'd like. I always choose to let in all the emotion possible. I believe that I am a strong person, but I am also very emotionally inclined. I can't help it. I am passionate, and when I feel hurt, or happy, or anything in between my emotion & passion comes out. It oozes from my eyes, tears are not something I have the power to control. My temper rises, and I am capable of being so in the moment that I say things that others may take the wrong way. I become so engulfed in my emotions that, yes at times, I prohibit any rationalization. But make no mistake. I am not the "girl" I once was. Though my advancements in my emotional stability may not appear to be vast, they do exist. I do allow room for other's feelings now. I do stop and try to see things from every angle.

I've never claimed to have all the answers, or to be constantly in the right. But I do end up being perceived that way. Not my intentions, but it happens.

I have come to realize that I have to be comfortable in my own skin, to be comfortable with those around me. I am flawed, but I am good. Every piece of the puzzle, good and bad gives way to the person that I am. One piece goes missing and I am no longer complete. I don't expect to be understood, just accepted. I do not look for approval, only to be loved.

The best part of life is that with every dawn, we are given an opportunity to start anew. Between the moment our eyes close and we drift away, to the moment when we are awoken again, the slate, for the most part wipes itself clean. If the people we surround ourselves with in our lives are truly good, understanding people, they will allow for that clean slate, and stick around to fight the good fight for one more day. Nothing is given to us, or automatic. We all have to put forth every bit of effort we can muster in order to get where we truly want to be.

Lucky for me, those in my life, allow me to fail, cry, punch wall, feel horrid, realize my mistakes, allow me to approach them on bended knee, beg for forgiveness, and wipe the slate clean.

I am blessed, and never is that forgotten in my mind.

I am who I am, and I am proud of who I continue to be. Every step forward leads me closer to exactly where I want to be.

You are part of all I see in my future. Understand that the love I have for you is real, and everlasting. Support me, understand me, allow me my time and space, trust me and my love for you. I will not disappoint you. I will not let you down.

Who I am, may not be a good thing.

Every time I think I am on top of something. That I am making headway in my life, and then something knocks me back down.

Being who I am, acting the way I do has always suited me. I've never had anyone complain about my actions when interacting with people, but apparently my behavior leaves something to be desired.

Am i friendly? Yes, I'd say I am without a doubt friendly. Am I touchy feely? Yes, I am. Do I believe it is the kind of touchy feely that is inappropriate? Up until this point, No I didn't. But apparently I was wrong.

Inappropriate behavior, is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone will have different standards as to what is okay and what is not. But what happens when your "inappropriate" behavior is brought to your attention and genuinely hurts you? Insults you to the very core. How do you deal with such a revalation, without losing your cool? Anyone who knows me knows not losing my cool is not one of my strongest qualities. But with this relationship, with this new found love, I have been striving to be all I possibly can be. So when such a fault is brought to my attention, it's devastating to say the least.

When someone puts you on a pedestal, and then that same person kicks you off of it, well it's a longer fall than normal. The landing is much more painful.

What does a person do in this situation? Do you just compromise without question, and change how you treat people, even though it will raise questions with friends & family, men and women alike? Do you tell the person your are completely in love with, that this is who you are, and if they want to be with you, they will have to deal with it? Or worst of all, do you part ways? Take it as a lesson learned and move on.

Incredible to think that only a few hours I was floating on a cloud high in the sky, stars in my hand, birds singing sweetly...the whole 9 yards. And now I just feel worthless. Is this what I am? Someone with disregard of an others feelings?

Whether it was said with the best on intentions or not. Something like this is never an easy topic to discuss. Should it be addressed now rather than later? Of course. Should a relationship be assessed from every angle before any more serious steps are taken? A resounding yes would be my answer. That doesn't stop it from hurting, however. It doesn't stop it from feeling like it's always me that has the short comings in this relationship. Like every disagreement has my name written all over it.

I need time. Problem with that is I will either resolve it, or forget about it. If I choose the latter of the two then it will assuredly come back with a vengeance and bite me in the ass.

Why is everything worth having, filled with this much pain and uncertainty? It just seems cruel.

It all started like this...

Initially my day started off great. Woke up on time, little man woke up when I called him. Had all my stuff ready since the night before...things were moving along effortlessly. Until........I stopped at my landlords office to leave my rent check. I parked next to a black car. I see a woman coming down the stairs, and it appears that she is the owner of this black car...she gets in, starts the engine, all the while I am getting my rent check out of my purse. She puts her car in reverse and begins to back up. As I open the door to my vehicle I hear a loud screeeeeech, and my car shakes. I stop. Sitting there wondering "what could that have been?", as soon as that thought enters my brain I realize, this lady just hit my car. I look back and see my son wide eyed and a bit scared. I get out of the vehicle, preparing to approach the situation, and then I realize, this lady isn't going to get out of her vehicle. As a matter of fact, she's not even going to stop. She proceeds to back all the way out and take off like a bat out of hell. I am left in total shock. Did that really just happen? Is it possible that I was actually in the car and this friggin woman had the nerve to hit my car knowing damn well I'm in there and just drive away? THE NERVE!!! Some people just don't have any damn sense of what's right. Had she gotten out of the car, I would have just said "hey don't worry about it, perhaps I parked to close, or you were just in a hurry and did not check your mirrors properly. Let's just forget it happened." But Nooooooooooooooooooooo this dumb women decided she was just gonna drive the hell off. WTF?!?!?! Who does that?!?!?! UGH! I'm beginning to lose faith in mankind as I know it.

It's just another day

Sitting here, watching a marathon of Golden Girl episodes, wasting the day. I feel utterly useless, but for right now, I like it. This weekend has been filled with lounging, relaxing, and a whole lot of nothing!



Obviously all of this laziness has given me a lot of time to think and think and think some more. When my brain goes into overdrive, it's hard to muddle through it all. Spinning out of control with thoughts, scenarios, hopes and dreams. What I want, what I don't.

Please wait with baited breathe...

It's been a long time, old friend

It's been so long since I've written, just to write. Letting my thoughts spill from my head, like a rolling waterfall...I can't say it's because I've had nothing to write. It's quite the opposite. So much has happened in my life. A million moments that have snow balled into what my life is now, and how I am loving the snow. Everyday I still deal with my own demons. The little set backs that I bring upon myself...but more often than not I am happy. Genuienly happy. When was the last time I was able to say that? I honestly can't remember ever being able to say it.

I've spent the last few years, trying to better myself. Physically, mentally, financially. I can't say I've succeeded completely, but I have made vast improvement. I'm trying my best to make peace with the women I see in the mirror. It is a constant battle between my own lack of self worth, and giving myself credit for the good that is within me.

Life has proven to be a constant journey of unexpected turns, dips and rolls. I take in something new everyday, about myself, my family, my loved ones. The people around me are part of what has allowed me to grow. I have to give lots of credit to those who really love and care about me, because if it weren't for their constant words of encouragement, I think I would have given up on myself long ago.

People take chances everyday. Roll the dice and see what comes...that I already knew. What I'm starting to understand is that those chances are necessary to take. We can't get by in life playing it safe. When we fall down, and brake the skin...well we just have to get up, and go full force again. Failing is not a weakness. It does not make us less of a person. It's the giving up and not trying that proves that.

Even when I don't like myself

I will be the first to admit that I can be a terrible terrible hag to be around some days. And lately with so much stress clouding my brain, it seems I have become much much worse. So on most days I can barely stand to me near me....How sweet it is that he would want to spend all is spare time with grumpy old me. It really does amaze me....I keep thinking he will say, when you are in a better mood and not such a crabby pants call me, but until then you are on your own. But he hasn't not one time. In fact it's usually the opposite. The crabbier I am the closer he wants to be, because he wants to be part of what makes me feel better, who knew sweetness like that could still exist?

He's too young

I can feel it. But he won't see it the way I do. There is so much he has yet to do. But he doesn't see things the way that I do. He accuses me of being snotty, sitting on my high horse. That's not how I intend on behaving. The fact is I HAVE experienced more than he has. I am older...and while not as wise as I wish...wiser just the same.
He'll wake up one day, and realize that this was not what he wanted. That he has bitten off too much, more than he could ever chew. Then what??? What becomes of all we've built and worked so hard to be?
He'll leave and I'll be alone without my best friend, without my companion.
Better to just cut ties now??? While hearts are still in tact? I wish I knew...but I do know, He is too young!

Leaving...

He's moving away. And though there has been nothing there for quite some time, the news of him going was, mind blowing. Off the the city of angels to further his dream. Leaving behind off spring and all. Shocking, when someone picks money over family. Still I can't help but feel a bit sad. 23 years of knowing someone is a mighty long time. 23 years of ideas and thoughts...thoughts that began as what could be, turned into what is, and ended in what might have been. The end of an era, and the end of chances. Doors close everyday, but when one is sealed shut by time and space, the noise of the slam seems to echo in your head for ever.
Still I wish him well...he's off to find whatever it is that he's been searching for these many years, perhaps the angels will help him find it.