I'm not really sure why I always feel like my emotions are every where at once. People who know me expect a certain character when they are around me. They expect laughter and smiles, jokes and entertainment, and if I deliver any less then I feel like I've let them down. Or more importantly then they will know there is something wrong. Because with acknowledgment of an issue comes questions. What's wrong? Can we help? Tell me all about it....the truth is I hide my problems and worries from everyone on purpose. Not because I am ashamed that I have breakdowns emotionally every now and again or that I get stressed out over life and all the things that includes, but because I always feel this dark cloud of failure circling around me like a tornado just waiting to strike. The minute someone finds out that I am not as in control as I appear to be, that tornado will whirl with winds strong enough to break down all of the walls and barriers it has taken my whole life to build. The moment I let people know I need their shoulders to cry on, they know that I need them around I can no longer control my dependency on them. I lose the control and leave myself open for loss. I can't take anymore loss. No one sees me as a person who has their whole life in control, I know that, but I also know they see me as someone with a bright attitude towards life. Someone who can smile when things are down and look at the half full glass...but for the most part I do that all for show. I do that to encourage the people around me when I sense they are feeling down. I do that so that no one else that I care about will loose their drive or will to do what they should do. What kind of failure would I be if they knew that at the end of the day I sit, disappointed in myself and the choices I have made? That I wish so often that I could BE somone courageous and not just pretend I am. How would I show my face if all the people I love and care about knew I was a fraud, a fake?
I don't want anyone else to see what I see when I look in the mirror. Its true what Gwen Stefani said "The magic's in the makeup" When my makeup comes off, I often don't like what I see.
Friday, December 28, 2007
The quest for the elusive "nice guy"
The quest for the elusive "nice guy". There has been plenty of discussion involving the existence of the so called "nice guy". Whether or not he is real…or just another urban legend. I figured I would chime in my two cents, whether it's considered credible or not. I say this because those of you, who actually know me, are aware that I neither attract nor am I attracted to the typical "nice guy".
My characteristics of a "nice guy" are as follows, but not limited to:
*Respect (whether he has already gotten some or not!)
*Shows attention towards his woman (required every day, not just the days when their favorite sports program is not on)
*Sincerity (what he tells his woman, isn't the game he just spit to Miss Chickenhead Hootchie from down the street)
*Equality (say it with me TWO WAY STREET)
*Honesty (no bullshit, no games, seemingly it sounds easy, but probably one of the hardest characteristics to come by)
*Compassion (the ability to show genuine feelings, without being totally spineless. my own personal preference, spineless is very unattractive)
Now by listing the above I'm sure that a lot of guys out there would say that they fit those characteristics. In most cases I'm sure they are right. Here's the kicker, what I've come to realize is that along with the above listed, the "nice guy" is almost always a victim of timing and circumstance. The same guy who is nice to Miss Hottie can easily turn around and be the biggest dick to Miss Hottie2. Reason being? They just had their heart served back to them in pieces on a pretty pink platter by Miss Hottie then turn around and take it out of Miss Hottie2. Now while this isn't fair or just, it's more than common. More than likely it is Miss Hottie2 that is genuinely fond of said "nice guy", then said "nice guy" shits on her heart, Consequently souring her on men for years to come. In my opinion this scenario can be used on women and men alike. We are all victims of timing, of our own choices. So do I think "nice guys" exist? Without a doubt! The problem is finding the right one at the right time. Everyone in the beginning of a relationship is deserving of his or her "nice girl/guy". The trick is staying deserving of them. It comes down to this, each of us at one time or another is guilty of depleting the stock of "nice individuals" through our actions. While some people are just plain assholes, no matter how they are treated, most just require a little more effort to bring that "nice" side back out. So for all of you who think that all hope is lost, I say, hold out a bit longer, you might be pleasantly surprised. Thank you for taking the time to read my Dr. Phil moment…and if you have half a brain you will take nothing that I say seriously…I'm divorced for Christ Sake, What in the hell do I know about "nice guys"! Have a blessed day! Muah!
My characteristics of a "nice guy" are as follows, but not limited to:
*Respect (whether he has already gotten some or not!)
*Shows attention towards his woman (required every day, not just the days when their favorite sports program is not on)
*Sincerity (what he tells his woman, isn't the game he just spit to Miss Chickenhead Hootchie from down the street)
*Equality (say it with me TWO WAY STREET)
*Honesty (no bullshit, no games, seemingly it sounds easy, but probably one of the hardest characteristics to come by)
*Compassion (the ability to show genuine feelings, without being totally spineless. my own personal preference, spineless is very unattractive)
Now by listing the above I'm sure that a lot of guys out there would say that they fit those characteristics. In most cases I'm sure they are right. Here's the kicker, what I've come to realize is that along with the above listed, the "nice guy" is almost always a victim of timing and circumstance. The same guy who is nice to Miss Hottie can easily turn around and be the biggest dick to Miss Hottie2. Reason being? They just had their heart served back to them in pieces on a pretty pink platter by Miss Hottie then turn around and take it out of Miss Hottie2. Now while this isn't fair or just, it's more than common. More than likely it is Miss Hottie2 that is genuinely fond of said "nice guy", then said "nice guy" shits on her heart, Consequently souring her on men for years to come. In my opinion this scenario can be used on women and men alike. We are all victims of timing, of our own choices. So do I think "nice guys" exist? Without a doubt! The problem is finding the right one at the right time. Everyone in the beginning of a relationship is deserving of his or her "nice girl/guy". The trick is staying deserving of them. It comes down to this, each of us at one time or another is guilty of depleting the stock of "nice individuals" through our actions. While some people are just plain assholes, no matter how they are treated, most just require a little more effort to bring that "nice" side back out. So for all of you who think that all hope is lost, I say, hold out a bit longer, you might be pleasantly surprised. Thank you for taking the time to read my Dr. Phil moment…and if you have half a brain you will take nothing that I say seriously…I'm divorced for Christ Sake, What in the hell do I know about "nice guys"! Have a blessed day! Muah!
Hope?
You never let me down...
You're consistent in your false statements
At least there, you never let me down
You would have me believe you are an exception
The one to change my mind
You weave such a perfect web
It's hard to seperate the truth from the myth
At a glance your deception is hidden
How can anyone see past your charm?
Lucky for me this road is familiar
It's been traveled more than I care to say
What would be easily missed by another,
I catch quickly, I sense it from afar
You'll deny my thoughts
Consistent with the cycle I'm sure
For a moment the charade will succeed
After all, can't the truth be as passionate as the lie?
I can almost see myself letting go
Eyes shut tight, thoughts racing through my head
I loosen my grip
I began to feel myself fall
It all runs in slow motion
Making the mistake more evident
I regain my composure
No one, not even you, will break through my wall
I recall why I've given up hope
Why my opinions will never change...
At a glance your deception is hidden
For a moment I refused to look past your charm
You're consistent in your false statements
At least there, you never let me down
You never let me down...
You're consistent in your false statements
At least there, you never let me down
You would have me believe you are an exception
The one to change my mind
You weave such a perfect web
It's hard to seperate the truth from the myth
At a glance your deception is hidden
How can anyone see past your charm?
Lucky for me this road is familiar
It's been traveled more than I care to say
What would be easily missed by another,
I catch quickly, I sense it from afar
You'll deny my thoughts
Consistent with the cycle I'm sure
For a moment the charade will succeed
After all, can't the truth be as passionate as the lie?
I can almost see myself letting go
Eyes shut tight, thoughts racing through my head
I loosen my grip
I began to feel myself fall
It all runs in slow motion
Making the mistake more evident
I regain my composure
No one, not even you, will break through my wall
I recall why I've given up hope
Why my opinions will never change...
At a glance your deception is hidden
For a moment I refused to look past your charm
You're consistent in your false statements
At least there, you never let me down
You never let me down...
Bitter
You have it over me
Everyday I wake
Just wish I could take it away.
You control my moods
And every choice I make
I would sell my very soul
Just to make you stay.
You're my weakness
Every Time I try to turn away
It makes me bitter~
I hate you but I still love you
You still take my breath away
It makes me bitter~
Your eyes their shinning bright
They carry me away.
I end up lying here
With nothing left to say.
Your arms they hold me tight
Don't want to let you go
I've backed up into the corner
There is no where left to go.
You're my crown of thorns
Dug in deep
I'm addicted to the pain.
The sweetest dream
When I close my eyes
Awake it's just not the same.
You'll be the death of me
It will happen one day.
It makes me bitter~
Just leave me here
God I wish you would stay...
It makes me bitter,
That you make me feel this way.
Everyday I wake
Just wish I could take it away.
You control my moods
And every choice I make
I would sell my very soul
Just to make you stay.
You're my weakness
Every Time I try to turn away
It makes me bitter~
I hate you but I still love you
You still take my breath away
It makes me bitter~
Your eyes their shinning bright
They carry me away.
I end up lying here
With nothing left to say.
Your arms they hold me tight
Don't want to let you go
I've backed up into the corner
There is no where left to go.
You're my crown of thorns
Dug in deep
I'm addicted to the pain.
The sweetest dream
When I close my eyes
Awake it's just not the same.
You'll be the death of me
It will happen one day.
It makes me bitter~
Just leave me here
God I wish you would stay...
It makes me bitter,
That you make me feel this way.
An old decision
Because I let you...
You and I clash, It's no secret
Seeing you destroys every part of me
I'd rather be all alone, then spend another moment with you here.
Everything you do...tears down everything I am
Because I let you...
My decision is to stop, to make this all end
Nothing will ever change, if nothing changes...
Your tears and empty words are meaningless to me now
It would have been nice to hear all this before, when there was something left to save.
My life is the way it is...because of you...
Because I let you...
If i choose to stand by, and let my life play out this way
Then I have no right to sit back and point the blame
My reactions to your actions have tired me beyond my days
I refuse to let the rest of my existence turn out this way
I won't stand by...quietly all alone...despite what you do
Because I let you...
The chapter ends here, nothing left to connect us but one beautiful joy
Conclusions i have drawn on all of what's gone on...
Life is meant to be what it is...roads only guide us, we are required to take the lead
My forgiveness has been granted, and I ask the same of you
No more hurt...no more blackened days...
Because I let you.
You and I clash, It's no secret
Seeing you destroys every part of me
I'd rather be all alone, then spend another moment with you here.
Everything you do...tears down everything I am
Because I let you...
My decision is to stop, to make this all end
Nothing will ever change, if nothing changes...
Your tears and empty words are meaningless to me now
It would have been nice to hear all this before, when there was something left to save.
My life is the way it is...because of you...
Because I let you...
If i choose to stand by, and let my life play out this way
Then I have no right to sit back and point the blame
My reactions to your actions have tired me beyond my days
I refuse to let the rest of my existence turn out this way
I won't stand by...quietly all alone...despite what you do
Because I let you...
The chapter ends here, nothing left to connect us but one beautiful joy
Conclusions i have drawn on all of what's gone on...
Life is meant to be what it is...roads only guide us, we are required to take the lead
My forgiveness has been granted, and I ask the same of you
No more hurt...no more blackened days...
Because I let you.
Sometimes we are in the dark
It's hard to breathe
It's so dark and I am afraid
I can't stand the silence
It rings in my ears
I want to yell for you…
But how would you find me here?
It's hard to see
In the dark everything looks the same
I can't feel my way through
My hands are tied
I want to yell for you…
But how would you find me here?
It's hard to think
In the darkness all of my thoughts jumble to one
I can't concentrate on anything else
So I'll focus on what's true
I want to yell for you…
But how would you find me here?
Feels like I'm lost on the moon
I've been here for years and years
One day I'll wonder upon you
Your lost here too
It's so dark and I am afraid
I can't stand the silence
It rings in my ears
I want to yell for you…
But how would you find me here?
It's hard to see
In the dark everything looks the same
I can't feel my way through
My hands are tied
I want to yell for you…
But how would you find me here?
It's hard to think
In the darkness all of my thoughts jumble to one
I can't concentrate on anything else
So I'll focus on what's true
I want to yell for you…
But how would you find me here?
Feels like I'm lost on the moon
I've been here for years and years
One day I'll wonder upon you
Your lost here too
I write things here and there...
No one can change life, someone will always lose.
Toss yourself into it
Stand on the side if you choose
Either way someone will always lose.
No one can change life, when your gone I will continue to breathe
A tear may fall, okay more than one
But no worries, I have tricks up my sleeve
Regardless…when you're gone, I will continue to breathe.
No one can change life; the time will continue to pass
We'll all get old and gray
Seeing life through a looking glass
There is nothing to be done, time will continue to pass.
No one can change life; I will always just be me.
A close runner up for what's desired
Brief stand in during a time of need
You may not like it, but I will always just be me.
No one can change life, one day you will leave
You'll figure me out, know that I'm not what you want
My life will go on, and yours will proceed
I'll figure out no one can change life
And one day you will leave.
Toss yourself into it
Stand on the side if you choose
Either way someone will always lose.
No one can change life, when your gone I will continue to breathe
A tear may fall, okay more than one
But no worries, I have tricks up my sleeve
Regardless…when you're gone, I will continue to breathe.
No one can change life; the time will continue to pass
We'll all get old and gray
Seeing life through a looking glass
There is nothing to be done, time will continue to pass.
No one can change life; I will always just be me.
A close runner up for what's desired
Brief stand in during a time of need
You may not like it, but I will always just be me.
No one can change life, one day you will leave
You'll figure me out, know that I'm not what you want
My life will go on, and yours will proceed
I'll figure out no one can change life
And one day you will leave.
Just another little note...
Day number two of my blogging adventure. My bf just got out of surgery, he got his tonsils removed...yuck!! But thankfully he is fine and all went well. I of course have come down with a cold and will be unable to see him for a while....I have perfect timing, have i mentioned that?
But what is important is he is safe and in good hands. My son is having the time of his life with his Daddy, while getting himself into a little trouble. Not too much trouble, but just enough to say he's really living tee hee. So all is right in the world as of this very moment, aside from the fact that I am sick and feel just dredful. But my loved ones are safe and that's all I could ever ask for.
But what is important is he is safe and in good hands. My son is having the time of his life with his Daddy, while getting himself into a little trouble. Not too much trouble, but just enough to say he's really living tee hee. So all is right in the world as of this very moment, aside from the fact that I am sick and feel just dredful. But my loved ones are safe and that's all I could ever ask for.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
The beginning of the end...
Ahhhh will you look where I've ended up. Blogging...who knew?!? Since this is my first entry I feel I should start off with all the thoughts floating in my head. Christmas has just passed, and for once I feel like it was more about spending time with my family and enjoying the sense of being part of something far bigger than I will ever be on my own. It wasn't commercial, at least not at my house. It was real, and full of laughter and love. But as I find always happens in life, as soon as the mist of happiness lifts, the theatrics of joy...sadness usually follows closely behind. It's hard to be content when it feels like everything and everyone else is so over come with sadness. My son left with his Daddy to spend Christmas vacation...and while that provides him with a happiness I can't even describe with words, it leaves me with an emptiness that makes my soul hurt. Have you ever had your soul hurt??? It's something that is so indescribable just thinking of it in my head makes my heart beat faster. Life with my Son not around is so quiet and empty. A shell of what "normal" life is...Normal...it's amusing that I have actually gotten to a point in my life where I consider having a child "normal". But i digress, as the days pass I understand more and more what life will be like when my Son goes off to live with Daddy for a longer time than usual. How will I ever survive?
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